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10 ways to Find Out You’re Dating a Slay Queen

2020 is here, and the boychild still continues to be under ‘sieke,’ thanks to these Kenyan slay queens. This breed of girls is not new to Kenyans, but they have never ceased being a nuisance to many, because of nothing else but their unending shenanigans, dramas, and melodramas.

As a boychild, the economy of Kenya is already hard on you, don’t let these slay queens make your life harder.

But how would you tell the difference between these slay queens and the good, innocent ladies in our midst? Gentlemen, take a keen look at these pointers…and ladies, if you find one or more of your characteristics in here, need we tell you more?

1. Brazillian Weaves/Wigs

These slay queens will always want to flaunt their ‘Brazilian’ weaves/wigs (I don’t even care to know what the difference is) all over on social media and to their ‘friends’ (Because come on, they hardly have any REAL friends).

They will always keep saying how expensive their hair is, looking down on the girls without the same type of hair, and yet the same women can’t even pay their own cab fare!

Those so-called Brazillian weaves/wigs ni zile za River Road tu.

2. Super long nails

Most Kenyan women have long fingernails, and that is okay. But there are these slay queens with extremely long nails until you are left wondering how they handle their bathroom business.

These are the ladies who will never do their laundry, and you will find them giving mama wa nguo even their underwear to be washed! Moreover, these women always live at the expense of men, kazi ni kutaka pesa za nails every week, not to mention the majority of them get fake nails.

If you are dating one and she cooks, you are even lucky. Many of them just like ordering out, and the only thing they know to cook is mayai and sausages! Gharama tupu!

3. Incongruous Taste: Living the life

“I only drink Hennesy or Ciroc,” is what comes out the mouths of these slay queens. You take them out, and before you even start to have fun, you are already checking out Tala, M-shwari, or Branch for a loan to help you clear the bill.

Boychild, don’t panic. Just let her pay the bill if she cannot drink the Konyagi you had planned to order – because if she only drinks those, then she can definitely pay for them!

They try to prove that they are classy by ordering expensive drinks and meals (whose names I can’t even pronounce.)

Cardi B drinking Guinness…a slay queen will tell you she doesn’t take such!

These are the same girls who cannot even afford a beer by themselves, yet they will want to milk you dry. Run Brother, Run!

 

 

 

 

4. Has an Exotic Accent but Has Never Crossed the Kenyan Border

Mates, she might have gotten a straight E in English, but her fake, fancy accent and attitude are enough to pay off Kenya’s debt to China. To make matters even worse, she sounds like she’s been living in the UK for the last two decades, but oh boy, the only UK she’s been to is Uko Kinoo.

These girls will even talk to mama mbogas while twenging with phrases such as ‘whareva’, and they have some weird way of saying ‘oh my gosh.’ Wait till you find her and her best friend talking while alone, you will be left wondering if that is the same girl you knew!

5. Showcasing Expensive Stuff Online

Bro, if your girl keeps on posting pics of expensive liquor, outfits, and other stuff on social media (mostly on their status), she’s a slay queen! Every week, you will see them out in a big 4 or 5-star hotel, (and they will always caption the picture or video with where that is) with expensive bottles of wine or whiskey around them.

Wait until the day they board Jambo Jet. You will find a million pictures taken with funny captions such as ‘Miss Independent, Boss moves, Girlcation, etc.’ If you are a keen observer, the same images will be posted a month later on to fool y’all that she’s indeed a frequent flyer.

There is a phrase my primary school Swahili teacher taught ‘Maskini akipata matako, hulia mbwata.’ In a nutshell, these slay queens do not have access to such things using their own resources (because they don’t have) and whenever they get an opportunity to brag to y’all peasants, hio siku hamtalala.

6. Too Much Makeup

She looks like Nicki Minaj at night, Mavado in the morning. Period.

7. Associating with Big People

An average Nairobian who visits malls, events, and other social joints regularly meets with celebrities and other ‘big’ people in the country. At some point, we may have to request a picture with them, which they mostly agree to.

However, these slay queens will take a picture with a celebrity and have very weird captions such as ‘Hanging with bro…friends forever,’ yet they just met.

Scroll through their IG, and you will most likely find a pic or more of them with well-known people.

8. Has a cracked phone screen

I’m not hating on those who have cracked phone screens, but the majority of these slay queens have such phones.

They probably take too much Henny from their sponsors, yet they can’t handle it. Then life played its part. The problem is, they don’t have the money to fix it.

9. They have a phone with military-grade security

These women have too many men in their lives, and they cannot risk Kevo knowing about Jemo. This is why they have passwords for everything on their phones – literally everything from SMS, gallery, etc.

10. They Pretend They Don’t Know Local Celebrities and Only Listen to Hip-Hop, Pop

These women will pretend that they have never listened to, or heard of Kenyan musicians such as Sailors, Chris Kaiga, or Otile Brown. They only ‘vibe’ to hip-hop and pop, yet they have attended almost every club in Nairobi and other major towns in the country.

Come on, Shikwekwe!

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